suka suka

How should i express?

I really hate this brat research. When will that day come to me? The day i can slurp up the air happily. No tension. No burden. No crying. No sadness.

When will that day come?

I cant stand any more, dear. But i believe, again and again and always again, force my self to believe, that this will not over my capability. Thats your promise isnt it?

I can hide this bad feeling from others? Its all your help.

I still take care of this brat research. Its all Your hep.

I still doing this and that. Its all Your help.

I choose to be still life. Its all Your help.

You give me power.

But, How should i say to them that i have no happy news for this April?

What a big deep sorry that i should delay that happi moment.

And for the first time, i cried on the phone with my mom,  and that was about thing i ve never get problem, academic.

Can i forgive that brat research?

That made me crying almost everyday since last month.

Of course not!  I cant forgive it rightnow. Its hard. Really hard.

So, you blame your research, san?

Of course!

To whom i should blame? You? A fictive person? How dare you?

But okey, i know, its all my fault.

I have no capability. No sense of engineering. My basic chemeng is very poor. I cannot design properly. I dont understand the principle of mass, momentum and heat transport.  I have no great smartness like others. I am the bottom product. I know!

I realize!

I cant stand it anymore. I am tired. Tired. Really tired.

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